Okay, maybe "dreading" is to harsh a word....but I can safely say that I am extremely anxious about attending the ISGB Gathering this coming week/weekend. Fair warning - I'm about to pour my heart out here.
When I first heard that the Gathering was coming to the Seattle area this year (specifically Bellevue, which is just minutes away from my home in Maple Valley, WA) I was really excited about it. I definitely wanted to attend, and participate in everything I could. After all, THE beadmakers' convention doesn't come to the west coast all that often. I've been to only two other Gatherings - the one in Portland in 2004, and the one in Oakland in 2008. Both were a great time! The idea that the convention would be so close was really an incentive to me - no travel, home nearby, a familiar place, etc.
So I signed up - for the main convention (complete with seminars),and the banquet. I also signed up for half a table at the Bead Bazaar (sharing with my friend Kim) on Saturday. I had planned on donating to several of the projects, and taking part in some of the contests.
A few months ago, life really got in the way of all my plans. Severe family issues cropped up and brought my creativity, motivation, energy, mental faculties all to a screeching halt. I know it sounds all melodramatic and catastrophic.... but that's how I have been feeling lately. Both sides of our family - my husband's and my own - had some major things come up at the same time. It was kind of an onslaught of confusion and heartbreak that took me completely by surprise.
Since these events, I have had a pretty rough time keeping up with things. I've been doing custom orders, and really little else. No glass testing, no new beads for sale, no experimenting, nothing like that. And certainly, no inventory for the Bead Bazaar. At all. I have like a handful of beads to bring to the Gathering - most of which are extras from the custom orders.
Things just....fell apart for me. The depression has been crushing, and I don't really know when it will get better.
So as it sits for the Gathering.... I am supposed to have half a table - but I have nothing to stock it with. So I am basically giving my half to Kim - even though the tables aren't supposed to be transferrable. I am hoping the people in charge will understand. I haven't emailed them because the deadline for a refund on the table has long past, and I am embarrassed about it. If nothing else, I will help Kim at the table with her stuff, allowing her to take breaks and shop and such as she needs. I'll have my business cards to hand out for people who want to place orders, or buy tutorials - and I will have a few beads for trading and maybe for sale, but that's pretty much all.
One thing which does sound promising is that Creation is Messy will have
some new colors soon that I can test - including transparent and opaque
peach shades, which we have been asking for forever. They (as well as the other new colors) look really lovely.
As for the rest of it.... I missed all deadlines for the contests/projects, but I am hoping to donate some beads to the Beads of Courage, if they have a booth there. And I am going to try and attend all the seminars and such.
With this kind of depression and anxiety, I don't know how what kind of company I will be, but I will try and have a smile on my face, and hopefully I can snap out of it long enough to commiserate with my fellow artists and maybe be inspired.
But I am really nervous, and haven't yet been able to build up much enthusiasm for this event, which in the past I have really loved. When I am depressed and under a lot of stress, I tend to have issues with crowds and am prone to panic attacks. I hope that changes soon.
So why am I telling you all this - and laying it on so thick? Well, part of it is in the hopes that if you are there, and see me, you won't judge me too harshly if I am quiet and have not much to show. Partly, it's also to apologize for my utter lack of preparation for this show.
As at the Oakland Gathering, I will have my tarot cards with me as kind of a social anxiety security blanket. I most likely won't come up and strike up a conversation with people - that's just not in my makeup right now. I hope that won't make me look like a stuck up antisocial brat. Just a fragile artist trying to get through some tough times, and maybe talk herself into having a good time at the Gathering. Crossing my fingers.
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Oh Kandice, I'm feeling a little of your pain! I am very anxious and was in a panic when I realized I am across from you and Kim at the Bead Bazaar. I have no trouble at any shows when it comes to self esteem, but at this one I feel 2 inches tall. I will come get my tarot reading and be thrilled to have a voice to go with the words I have read all these years. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteOh, Susan - don't panic!! Kim is wonderful and it will be fun having you as a neighbor across the aisle. :) ((((hugs))))
DeleteHi Kandice! I feel like I'm in a very similar spot to yours... the anxiety, depression, and dreading a crowd. Even though it takes me a lot of energy to get up, get ready, and face a group of people that share my hobby, I always leave feeling grateful that I went to see them. It gave me time to focus on the hobby and the friendships and not the overwhelming health issues going on at my house. I've been following your blog/etsy store for a long time and am continually amazed by your talent. Your beads are absolutely stunning! I long to have some in my collection. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the show and connecting/re-connecting with other passionate artists. I'm sure you'll feel rejuvinated and inspired. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteHi Kim - I feel the same way most of the time. The anxiety is there until I get comfortable in the crowd - which sometimes takes awhile.
DeleteYour words are sweet - thank you. I am glad you enjoy the blog. :)
Hi Kandice - I really feel for you. Depression and anxiety are really terrible when you're suffering from them, even though when you come out of the bad place you can look back and wonder what all that was about! Going will help you, I have no doubt. After all, what's the worst that can happen? You help your friend with her beads, take loads of commissions for yours and discover that everyone wants to help you. I wish I could be there to meet you.
ReplyDelete(((((hugs))))) I wish you could be there, too - thank you for the kind post!
DeleteHi Kandice, I really understand how you feel. I've felt like this for some time and am now on the verge of giving up lampworking for my other main activity. It will be a shame after so many years of what has been great success but I don't get a buzz from it any more and depression at that, coupled with life's trials and tribulations, has created a self perpetuating circle. Could you not take some photos of your past work to the Gathering to get some interest in custom orders to at least have something to show so you don't feel you've wasted your money? You may not take actual sales on the day but if you're not going to exhibit much anyway, you might at least pick up follow-on orders. I wish you well but rest assured, you're not alone, Creativity is such a difficult thing to pin down because, for me, it's a very emotional state so if other factors come into play, it can be a transient beast! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for this. I find it amazing just how many people out there feel similarly. I am sorry you have to go through this kind of thing as well - it can really destroy creativity. ((((hugs)))) Thank you for your advice.
DeleteHi Kandice, depression and anxiety are real, and they're endemic to artistic temperments. I'm sorry to hear you've been suffering. Two things; go to your local health food store and grab a bottle of Rescue Remedy. It's formulated from Bach flowers and I use it regularly to help me with my anxieties. Just a squirt under the tongue and you'll find yourself more relaxed and less anxious. (They also come in a tin as jelly-candies.) I even give the drops to my animals. This can be taken even if you are on a Rx.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is, Mercury is in Retrograde and life just doesn't "feel" great right now. I think that might be a contributing factor to your malaise.
Do attend The Gathering, gather inspiration, gather the creative energy you'll absorb from the other artists and attendees. Take the opportunity to kick start your personal rejuvenation! Sometimes all it takes is a change of scenery and personal energy to make a positive new beginning. Good luck, and have fun. I look forward to seeing your newest artwork and blog entry.
I forgot about Mercury, Cynthia - thank you! I've heard of rescue remedy - I might give that a try. A friend of mine used to give that to her dogs when they got really anxious. I'll check the local PCC market and see if they have it.
DeleteI really appreciate your thoughts and advice - thanks so much. :)
Everyone - I feel better today - I knew writing about it and seeing people's thoughts about it would help me...so thank you. I am going to the Gathering and will try to keep the anxiety down.Hopefully the nerves will calm and I will find some inspiration and comraderie.
ReplyDeleteThat's great! Have a good time (I know you will once you get there!). Just give yourself plenty of time and space - I don't know the setup but I guess if you're sharing a table you will have plenty of opportunity to look around but also get away from the crowd if you need to.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI hope you ended up enjoying The Gathering. I wish I could have been there too, to meet you and give you a hug. I suffer similar feelings when family issues arise. I'm sure you got plenty of hugs for all the wonderful girls there, sure hated to miss it. Take care!
ReplyDelete